Hello - Jack the Long(and quite wide)dog here! Time for some dog fun I reckon!
To start us off, here is my top 10 list of things that annoy me about TJ the idiot.
1. Blaming his lager farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A DOG.
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.
5. Making me beg for food. Tosser.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. TJ fooled a dog! Whoooo-Hoooooooo!! What a proud moment for the so called top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet to have my anal glands emptied, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff people's crotches. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Making me wear a coat when it rains. I can't pee properly and it all goes down my leg.
10. How he looks disgusted when I lick my todger. TJ you're just jealous.
So TJ, we both know who's in charge and it's not you! You don't see me picking up your sh*t, do you?
I asked Abi: 'How many Greyhounds does it take to change a lightbulb?'
She said: 'Who cares'.
I said to Rosie: 'What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Rottweiler?'
She said: 'Cockrot'.
A bloke goes to dinner with the parents of his girlfriend for the first time ever. They're sitting in a pretty conventional fashion, table cloth, lots of food, dog lying under the table, all that.
Halfway through the main course, the bloke has an urge to fart. Not an urge, a compulsion, a need. He can't get up without looking rude, so he leans to one side and lets rip a quiet 'parp'
The father of the family looks under the table;
"Rover!" He says.
'Blinding' thinks the guy, 'Got away with that one, now they think it was the dog. Marvellous...'
Five minutes later, he needs to fart again. But he got away with it before, so he tries it again....
Twice more he does it, twice more the father calls on his dog.
"Rover, come out!"
It's getting late in the meal, and our man is quite pleased with his success. Dizzy with it, and full of good girlfriendally-parent cooked food and wine, and knowin the dog has always been... y'know... he lets rip a monstrous airbender....
"Rover? Rover!" Says the Father, "Rover, get out from under the table, before that boy sh*ts on your head!"
Suki says I have to tell you this joke. It makes her laugh every time!
A lady is very upset because her pet Chihuahua has only been placed second in Best Of Breed at Crufts so she decides to speak to the Judge and get some advice on how to win. The Judge tells her that her dog only came second because it had hair growing on its chin. He advised her to apply Immac Hair Remover Cream for 2 weeks just before next years competition to ensure 1st place.
So 2 weeks before the following years Cruft Show off she goes to the local chemist and asks for a tub of Immac Hair Remover. The assistant asks if she has used it before to which she says she hasn't. The Assistant tells her not to wear a tight blouse after application to allow the cream time to work on her armpit hair. The Lady replies indignantly that the Cream is not for her armpits but for her Chihuahua.
The assistant replies "in that case madam, don't ride your bike for a couple of days."
I thank you.....